Not good enough

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Not good enough for you

Not good enough for you

Dear diary , Here I am Writing my pain away , it’s Thursday   05/28/2014 ,00:43 AM, and I am still up listening to Christina Agulira’s ‘Say something featuring  Big World , a mixture of feelings is building up inside my chest and it’s making breathing very hard , I had a fight with him (again) , it’s been three freaking days and we still didn’t talk like a normal couple yet ,our conversations became suddenly short and meaningless , cold without any passion ,it hurts ,matter fact it kills me when he acts so cold with me as if he doesn’t know me ,when I see his ID on the phone’s screen ,my heart skips a beat from joy but once I slide my finger on that green area , my whole world comes crumbling down , After four hours without hearing each other’s voice ,he still manages to talk to me coldly ,not just today , it’s been three day , 72 hours , 4320 minutes ,259200 seconds , these where one of the most tormenting seconds I’ve ever lived  and yet he managed to threaten  to  leave me – as always even know that his threats are the main reason for my cutting addiction ,  unfortunately , today I was fed up with these threats ,because of it ,I can’t even sleep at night , so I reclaimed , and it only made it worst ,because he chose to hang up saying ‘take care ‘ (just like that) It’s been like this between us for a very long time, this made thing, am I ever going to be good enough for him? is he tired of our relationship ? you see he actually confirmed this to me when he said ‘I am fed up with you  , I am tired , do whatever you want ,,,,ext ‘ in addition to my problems  with the person that I love , there’s family issues all this pressure and then he comes saying that I’ve changed , cynical right ? and then he tells me that he’s fed up with my cutting addiction and suicidal thoughts  , Ironic , each and every person has something to ease his pain with , well mine is by hurting myself  and no one can blame me for that  not even him ,because he’s only there when he is okay , otherwise I am just too messed up for him to deal with ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,dear blade your torture is my release so please cut the pain away .                 “In death she found freedom” – The black swan   

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